


i can't carry this anymore

by LunarUrsa



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Language, F/M, Married Couple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27163300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunarUrsa/pseuds/LunarUrsa
Summary: Things had been going so well for so long, she should've known something was going to come crashing through their perfect image of tranquility. She didn't think it would be Shane.
Relationships: Shane & Female Player (Stardew Valley), Shane/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Shane/Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 54





	1. do i make you cringe

**Author's Note:**

> idk how long this is gonna be, maybe 10 chapters. This is my first time writing for stardew so hopefully it goes well. this might seem anti shane for a bit but he is endgame. also, is there a tag for excessive comma usage?

Things had been good. She tried to convince herself time and time again, that things had been good and they had been for a while. Shane had been getting better, improving for a long time. He had been going to all his therapy sessions, attending all the AA meetings he could while helping her tend to the farm, making sure all the chickens and ducks were fed and the eggs collected, setting them in the mayonnaise machines and checking the shipping box was ready to go. Every morning, he’d make sure Zephyr was brushed and cared for in case she had to make a long trip into town. He had been perfect for so long, almost too perfect. She should have known, that something was going to come crashing down on their tranquillity.

It came slowly, so slowly she hadn’t noticed. He started spending late nights out. She had thought he was spending his time with Jas. The little girl had been feeling a little down since he moved out, missing her godfather. They had wanted desperately to bring her to the farm with them, but Marnie had protested for the time being; until they settled in she had said and they agreed, wanting what was best for her. It seemed like they were almost there, Shane had quit his job at Joja as soon as they got engaged at the end of winter and had settled into his role in the farm. He even fixed up the greenhouse, which had resulted in a long night of her showing him her gratitude. Now, she couldn’t remember the last time she had fallen asleep with his warm weight holding her, she couldn’t remember the last time she locked the front door at night. She never thought, never dreamed of what was actually going on.

It came crashing down when she decided to pass by Marnie’s on her way back from a long night of fishing. She wanted to drop of a few of her best catches since she had cooked them dinner last night, knowing that the first week of the season was the busiest. She tried not to dwell on the fact that half of last night's dinner remained untouched in the fridge, because Shane hadn't made it home before she went to sleep. She had dropped off the biggest catfish she had managed to catch in the fridge before Marnie came in from the side door, wiping her hands on her apron.

“Hey there, Helena! What are you doing here so late?” Marnie said, brushing her hand against the small of her back. She smiled back widely.

“Hey, I just wanted to drop off a few fish I caught today. Figured it was the least I could do after the delicious lasagna you dropped off yesterday.” She whispered back. Marnie furrowed her brows briefly, before chuckling.

“Don’t you worry about staying quiet for Jas, honey. She’s been sleeping at Vincent’s all week.” Marnie reassured her, rubbing her arm comfortingly. It was almost preemptive as Helena’s blood ran cold. She shook her head to clear it, not trusting her ears.

“What?” she asked, hoping Marnie couldn’t detect the shaking in her voice.

“Yeah, Penny’s been tutoring them for a big test coming soon so I thought it’d be best if they were kept together for the time being, since Jas has gotten used to sleeping without Shane after all.” Marnie said. Helena tried to keep her expression neutral, hoping it didn’t show that her heart was crumbling in her chest to her stomach.

“Oh... oh,” she struggled to form her next words. Marnie’s brow furrowed in response, she thought quick on her feet. “I was really worried about how Jas would take to this, you know. There wasn’t much time between the proposal and the wedding, and it’s been a few seasons since then. I didn’t want her to feel like we didn’t want her, since it’s taken us a while to get settled.” She found herself rambling through. She hoped Marnie mistook her nervousness for worry for Jas, rather than the increasing anxiety about her husband’s whereabouts.

“Don’t you worry, darling. Jas is a fighter and she knows how hard it’s been for you two.” Helena nodded her head mechanically.

“Yeah, I think I’m just a bit tired so my mind is running. I better get back before Shane misses me.” she forced a smile. Marnie gave her a quick hug, patting her on the cheek.

“Tell him to not be a stranger. I haven’t seen him around here in a while.”

“Will do.” She mumbled as she made her way to the door. Helena didn’t remember getting on Zephyr’s back on her way home, her mind too occupied to even have the coordination. She didn't remember getting home or getting ready for bed.

Suddenly, she found herself sitting ramrod straight in their bed, his side of the bed still made. She couldn’t count the hours she sat staring at the wooden carved statue of a chicken sat in the corner. She had thought the statue was ridiculous, a reward from the museum. She was sure Gunther was glad to be rid of it, but she couldn’t bear to part with it. It was so quintessentially Shane that she had it proudly displayed in their bedroom. Now, it made her sick to her stomach.

It was 2 am when she heard the front door open. It was opened carelessly and slammed shut, she was surprised she hadn’t heard it before if this was his regular routine now. The door to their bedroom was open, so she could see him stumble through the front door, throwing his hoodie across the couch and leaving his shoes by the door. If she didn’t know any better, she would’ve thought he was just coming back from a long day caring for the chickens; but she did. She could see the sway in his step, the uneasiness in his shoulders, the purse of his lips. She bit her lip to suppress the sob that rose through her throat.

He took off his shirt and pants as he made his way towards the bedroom, going to the bathroom. He still hadn’t noticed her and that in of itself set alarm bells ringing in her head. He was always so aware of her, always so attentive, so in tune with her every move that she had felt they were connected with an invisible string. She could feel it fray now.

He came out soon after, face still dripping and when finally noticed her. His eyes widened for a brief moment before they softened as they met her bewildered ones. He settled into his side of the bed, leaning on her shoulder. She couldn’t help catching the reek of beer coming from him.

“Hey babe, what are you doing up so late?” he whispered, nuzzling into her throat.

“I stopped at Marnie’s on my way from the beach.” She felt him freeze. The silence engulfed them so wholly she feared she’d never make her way back. He knew what it meant that she didn’t know where he was every evening, that she had trusted him and he had betrayed her.

“Have you been—?” she paused, thinking her next words carefully. “Have you been drinking again?”

He scoffed, sitting back up on his side. She turned to him and immediately wrapped herself in him, laying her hand against his cheek and throwing her leg over his lap.

“If you’ve relapsed, we can get through it. We can contact your sponsor, we can get in touch with Dr. Burke but you have to—.” She stumbled through before he cut her off.

“No!” he shouted, and she almost recoiled at the venom in his words. His hands, usually wrapped around her, were clenched into fists in his lap. “I’ve got it under control. I don’t need to be coddled at every step!”

She pushed back the tears in her eyes. This wasn’t about her, it was about Shane and supporting him through this. She knew it wasn’t going to be perfect, that he was going to be tempted into his old ways but she couldn’t help but feel the slight of rejection that he couldn’t come to her about this.

“Shane, you have a condition and its okay that we’re—,” she began before he continued on his tirade, pushing her off him, burning where he touched her. He stood up abruptly.

“There’s no _we_ in this! There’s no _condition_! So, I can’t have a fucking drink without being needled to fucking death?” he yelled, pacing around their room.

“If you feel the need to hide it from me, then obviously there’s a fucking problem.” She shouted, sitting up on her knees. “Every night this week, I thought you were reading to Jas but you’ve been out getting drunk until god knows what hour. And that’s not the problem, the problem is that you lied to me about it. If you told me even once, that you just wanted to have one drink, I would’ve understood; but you _lied_ to _me_!”

She felt the fight leave her as soon as the words left her lips. She retreated into herself, her arms wrapped around her knees as the sobs overtook her, her long hair curtaining her face from his view.

“I knew,” She gasped through the words. “I knew this wasn’t going to be perfect, I knew this wasn’t going to be a straight line to recovery, but I thought you would be honest with me. So here’s your chance; have you been drinking?” she looked up at him through her teary eyes. He sat on his knees at the end of their bed, his face an amalgam of emotions. He reached towards her, his hand resting in the middle of the bed. She made no move to reach towards him, her breath bated in wait for his response.

“I’m sorry,” Shane whispered, and her heart stopped. “I didn’t think—I didn’t realize that what I did affected you—,”

“Of course it does!” she exclaimed, “I married you and not because I thought it was easy, not because I thought I could magically fix you but because I love you and I was and still am completely in this with you. I am here for you every step of the way, but I can’t if you won’t let me.” she couldn’t stop the tears flowing freely from her eyes. She burrowed her head between her knees, unable to meet his eyes. She wasn’t prepared when she felt his warm arms encompassing her. Her resolve was only so strong as she felt him pull her body towards him. She straddled him, burrowing her face into his neck.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll go back to AA meetings every day, I’ll schedule a meeting with Dr. Burke tomorrow. I can’t lose you, you’re my everything. You’re my whole life, I can’t do this without you.” He whispered into her hair, rubbing up and down her back.

“You won’t have to, but you need to let me in. I want to be there for you, please don’t shut me out. Please.” She pleaded into his neck. The last thing she remembered was him whispering apologies into her neck as her exhaustion overtook her.

* * *

When Helena woke up, it took her a while to realize her surroundings. A quick glance at the clock told her she had over slept well past her usual rising. She took note of the cool sheets next to her, where Shane’s warm body was usually still in deep sleep. She barely registered the absence before she heard the front door open softly. She stayed in bed as she heard shuffling in the front room. She didn’t want to disturb her brief moment of peace before it all came crashing down around her.

She must’ve fallen asleep again because suddenly the door opened and Shane came in with a tray balanced on his arm. His frantic expression immediately softened as he met her eyes.

“Good morning. I made you breakfast, I couldn’t manage anything better than eggs and toast so I hope it’s good.” He smiled, as he sat the tray down on her lap. He leaned down for a kiss and she felt her heart surge at the simple gesture, one she hadn’t seen from him in so long. She whispered a quiet thanks, not trusting her voice beyond that.

He settled beside her as she quietly nibbled on her toast and sipped her coffee. She couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. It felt like she had won yesterday, but she didn’t know if she had pushed him, if it was all just lip service and she didn’t want to start the conversation to find out.

“I—I called Dr. Burke,” he started, not meeting her eyes and she felt the tension in her body release. “She set me up with regular appointments every Monday morning, so I’ll probably wake up with you and do a few things around the farm before I have to catch the bus. The AA meetings are a bit iffy but I’ll try to go to as many as I can as long as there’s not much work around the farm. I know you want Jas to live with us soon, and I know that can’t happen if I don’t get a handle on this and I don’t want you to have to wait because of my screw ups after—,” she cut of his ramblings with a hand on his cheek. She pushed the tray off her lap and pulled him into her.

“Shane, look at me.” He finally met her gaze and his green eyes were brimming with unshed tears. He took a deep shuddering breath before he continued.

“I just don’t want to lose you, you’re everything to me and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you because I can’t stop fucking up.” She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his. She brushed the stray tear that made its way down his cheek.

“You won’t lose me. I told you, relapsing is an expected part of recovery. It won’t always be easy but that’s what I’m here for, to help you back up when you fall. But I can’t do that if you won’t let me, I will never blame you for having a drink but instead of turning to alcohol, come to me. Please don’t shut me out.” She whispered.

“I will. I promise.” He nodded. She surged forward and kissed him desperately. He responded in kind, pushing her down towards the bed hovering above her. She grabbed his waist and pulled him towards her, needing to feel his weight on her. She would carry him through this again, as many times as it would take.


	2. stop the world, i wanna stay with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now actually edited from my horrible comma usage

The first Monday morning after their talk, Helena woke up with a deep pit in her stomach. A quick glance told her it was 5 am, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. She redirected her gaze to her husband, still in deep sleep beside her. The ever present furrow between his brows was smoothed out but the corners of his lip were pointed down in a frown. She ran her fingers through his dark violet hair, brushing it back from his handsome face.

She was overtaken by the amount of love she felt for him. They had been so much through together; it was a long journey to stop him drinking and pulling him from both the figurative and literal cliff. Even then she’d known she was falling in love with him, but she didn’t know if she’d ever see that love returned. She didn’t know how deep his trauma ran, if he could even love her in the way she wanted. She would’ve settled for any love he would be able to give her, an acquaintance, a confidant, a friend, a lover. She had hit the jackpot when she had seen him kneeling down with a mermaid pendant in hand. Their life together had been everything but easy, there were still days where he couldn’t see himself the way she did and they had worked so hard to get through those days, side by side instead of having him retreat to alcohol. She couldn’t help but feel at fault, that if she had shown him that he could trust her more he would’ve never resorted to drinking again.

She shook the thought away and got ready for the day. She made her way to the kitchen and busied herself in the kitchen, making a fresh pot of coffee and getting started on breakfast for Shane. Usually, he would be the one to prepare breakfast while she got ready for her daily farm work but she wanted to be ready for him as soon as he woke up.

She had already made his breakfast and was in the process of preparing his lunch when she heard the bedroom door open behind her. She snapped her head towards him. He offered her a gentle smile, making his way towards her. He stopped at the dining table, leaning back on the chair closest to her and casting a quick glance at the feast of a breakfast she had made. The few feet between them felt endless.

“Good morning. I made you breakfast, and lunch for your way back. I packed you a few snacks and filled your thermos with coffee, I know it’s a long way to and from the doctor’s office so just call me if you need anything. I can borrow the tractor from Marnie and make my way to you—,” she was cut off by the sound of Shane’s booming laugh. He wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder. She leaned into him, so grateful for the contact bringing her back down to earth.

“Shouldn’t you be the one calming _me_ down?” he chuckled, “It’ll be fine, love. I’ll be gone for three hours, I can manage just fine. I’ll call you as soon as I’m in the city and again when I’m done with my appointment.” He placed a chaste kiss at the juncture between her neck and shoulder. She felt her pulse start to slow back down.

“Okay, okay. I just want to be there for you.” She turned in his arms, resting her hands on his biceps. She couldn’t help but take note of the muscle she felt there, so different now after months of hard labor on the farm. It was another symbol of how far he’d come from stacking shelves in the closed down Joja Mart.

His hand under her chin lifted her gaze to his, his concerned expression certainly mirrored hers.

“You are. I know that, I guess I was ashamed to admit it to you, I didn’t want you to think that all your hard work was for nothing.” She shook her head.

“ _Our_ work.” She corrected. His expression softened, a small smile resting on his lips. He took her hand and guided her to the dining table, taking her seat beside him.

“I know you don’t expect me to eat all of this by myself, so you better sit your ass down and eat up.” He said, not letting go of her hand. They settled into a comfortable silence, but her mind kept running away from her. It had only now dawned on her that he ever stopped going to therapy, she knew it went down from once a week to once a month but he never told her he stopped.

“When did you stop going to Dr. Burke?” he stayed silent for so long she feared he hadn’t heard her and she wasn’t sure she’d have the strength to ask again. His loud sigh reassured her.

“A couple of months ago. She said that I didn’t need to have regular appointments anymore, but she wanted to keep in touch every once in a while to trac my progress.” A cold smile fell on his lips as he shook his head, “Progress that’s all gone to shit now.”

“Don’t talk like that. If you hadn’t made progress, you wouldn’t have taken initiative as soon as I found out. We’ll get back to where we were soon enough.” She reassured him, gripping his hand like a lifeline. He nodded slowly.

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered. She made a move to protest, but she let him have this one. She couldn’t police every one of his thoughts, despite how wrong they were.

* * *

After breakfast, they settled into working on the farm. He never strayed too far from her and she was silently grateful. She was checking on the state of her yams, when she caught Mayor Lewis making his way down the path to their farm. She dusted her hands of on her jeans and sent him a small wave.

“Hey there, Lewis. What brings you down to our humble abode?” she smiled, hoping he couldn’t detect the uneasiness in her tone. 

“Good morning, Helena. Shane,” he nodded his hello. “I’m actually here on a little business venture, if you’re interested.”

Her eyebrows rose in question, as she turned to check that Shane was within earshot. He was slowly making his way towards them, his path blocked by the chickens clamoring to get his attention. She couldn’t help the giggle that made its way past her lips.

“Shoot, what’s up?” Shane asked, resting his arm around her waist. Lewis hesitated. Helena knew Lewis wasn’t particularly fond of Shane, caught him passed out around town a few too many times, seen first-hand the havoc Shane’s wellbeing had wreaked on poor Marnie’s nerves. While he did believe Shane had turned things around, it was almost like Lewis was waiting for the other shoe to drop and she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing Shane had relapsed.

“We have a new farmer coming to town. He’s from the city and he’s quite young, full of ambition but doesn’t really have the skills to make it as a farmer; at least not on his own. I was wondering if you could put him up at your place for a few months, until he gets his sea legs and learns how to really manage a far. To be honest, learning from you it won’t take him long before he’s giving you a run for your money,” he laughed heartily, and she found herself reluctantly joining in.

In any other circumstance, she’d be happy to take in this city kid but she felt she’d already have her hands full with Shane. She didn’t know how much support he’d need, didn’t even know if he’d start the grueling process of detoxing from alcohol. She’d already failed him once, she couldn’t bare it if she failed him again.

“I’m honored, Lewis but I’m afraid—,” she began before Shane’s booming voice cut her off.

“Of course! We’d be more than happy to show this kid the reins.” She snapped her head towards Shane and saw nothing but a genuine smile stretch over his face. Shane was saying yes? Even if he wasn’t set to start detoxing again, he hated other people in his space and here he was happily accepting a stranger into their home for who knows how long?

“Great! I’ll send him over tomorrow after I’ve given him the tour of the town. He should get to yours around 10, if that’s alright with you?” Lewis offered, but she knew it wasn’t a question anymore.

“That’s great, we’ll have the spare room set up for him by tonight.” Shane said, nodding his head towards the house.

“Perfect! You guys are lifesavers. You can work out what you’d have him pay for rent amongst yourselves, and let me know tomorrow morning. I’d like to let him know before he gets to Solar Farm.” Lewis nodded, already making his leave.

“See you tomorrow!” Shane replied, waving him off. As soon as Lewis was out of earshot, she turned abruptly towards Shane.

“What was that?!” she demanded. He was taken aback by the fire in her words, making a move to step back.

“What do you mean? I figured you’d be all for taking in some city kid and teaching him the ropes. If you’d rather he doesn’t stay here, we could work it out with Lewis. Maybe put him up in my old room at Marnie’s.” he explained, obviously misunderstanding her bewilderment. She went to correct him, but held back.

She knew if she told him, that she wanted to stay focused on him during his recovery he would take it to heart. He would think himself a burden, and set him that much farther back from recovery. He still woke up feeling worthless, like he was just holding her back and she would spend the rest of the day desperately trying to convince him of the truth. She wouldn’t set that off within him, not when he’d made such big strides with the smallest encouragement from her.

“No, I just figured we’d need more time to set up the spare room but I’ll call Robin and have her get everything ready by tomorrow,” She reassured, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I just hope this kid doesn’t make me feel like some old fart.”

He tilted his head back in laughter as he wrapped his arms around her in kind, and she ached to see it.

“I don’t think anyone could, I think you could bench press Gus with all the work you do.”

“Obviously, that’s the goal. Need to assert my dominance over this town somehow.” She shrugged. They broke apart reluctantly, and he cast a wary glance at his watch.

“I should probably be heading out, I don’t want to be late.” He took slow strides to the farmhouse, not breaking eye contact with her.

“Hurry back. Charlie might miss you too much.” He shook his head at her, leaving the front door opened behind him.

She kept herself busy, needlessly checking that crops were watered properly despite her unfailing sprinklers. She double checked the work Shane had done, already knowing it was perfect. The machines were set, he had even milked the cows and goats and they were already churning.

Her heart was bursting with love for him; he was trying so hard to prove himself to her, to show her how seriously he was taking his recovery. Her unshed tears came pouring out. Damn, she must’ve looked a sight, crying over churning milk.

“Helena? Are you in here?” he knocked on the door of the shed as he came in. “What’s up? Is there something wrong with the churners? Maybe Robin should take a look at them when— What’s wrong?” he cut himself off abruptly at the sight of her teary face. She jumped into his arms. He stumbled back with her sudden need for comfort.

“I’m just so proud of you. I love you so much.” She whispered into his chest, and she felt him let out his held breath. They stood there for a brief moment before he spoke.

“If I knew setting the cheese makers were gonna make you cry, I probably would’ve left that to you,” she let out a watery laugh. She looked up at him and saw his brow still furrowed in concern despite the small smile on his lips. He placed a kiss on her forehead before whispering into her skin, “I love you too.”

Despite how much she wanted to stay in his arms, she knew he had to leave. She pulled away, running her fingers through his hair. It was combed back and his stubble was shaved for the first time in weeks. He had even swapped his usual shorts and hoodie for dark jeans and a grey button down. She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“You clean up nice, stranger.” They both ignored how her voice cracked.

“Be careful there, I’m a married man.”

“C’mon, I can’t you have running late because I can’t keep it together for more than ten minutes.” She grabbed his hand and started leading the way to the bus stop. She thanked Yoba that Pam was not one for gossip because the image of her face still red and puffy dropping Shane off at the bus stop would surely set the rumor mill running. She really wanted this to stay between them for now, to have some semblance of peace. She knew the town wouldn’t be as accepting about Shane’s relapse, they would assume the worst in him and think he’d already reverted back to the shell of a man he was when she met him.

Pam nodded her hello, and got on the bus. Yep, she definitely had nothing to worry about when it came to Pam. She turned to Shane, and she couldn’t help feel the sense of finality setting in her bones. It would only be a few hours before she saw him again, but those hours would feel like days. She was terrified, that even this time wouldn’t take but she kept the faith, if not faith in the process but faith in the man she married.

“I’ll call you as soon as I set foot in Zuzu City,” he reassured her. She nodded and kissed him on the cheek. She pushed him towards the bus, and waved her goodbye. She didn’t even wait for the bus to move before she turned around and made her way to the farm.

He would be fine. Shane would get through this eventually, and she’d be here even if it took a thousand tries. He would do this a thousand times, if he had to. If not for her then for Jas, for Marnie.

The more time had passed since she had found out, the more she understood why he had relapsed. Even though he had turned his life around from working soullessly at Joja and turned himself to a productive and upstanding member of their community. Even though he had gotten her through endless struggles of still feeling like she didn’t fit in here, that she was just a poor substitute for her late grandfather; he still woke up feeling worthless, feeling like there was no end to the depression that lived in his bones and that the only way to numb the pain was resorting to alcohol. She made a silent promise to herself that she would be his new anesthetic, that she wouldn’t just numb the pain but do her absolute best to help him work through it.

She immediately felt daunted, remembering the new farmer they would taking in but she shook the feeling immediately. If Shane had faith that they could do it, then they would.

She set out to distract herself from her constant worry about Shane by setting up the farm for their new arrival.

* * *

As soon as the clock turned 10, she felt ready to crawl out of her skin. She kept pacing around the farm, even her cat Moji started to sense her anxiety. She kept jumping out of Helena’s path every time she crossed it, instead of her usual habit of rubbing against her leg.

There was nothing else for her to distract herself with; she had already set up the spare bedroom and even set a chest there filled with some of her old tools that she didn’t need anymore. Robin was glad to be rid of the bed frame collecting dust in her storage room. She worked out a schedule for her and the new farmer to start with for the first few weeks, trying to pack as much farming knowledge before winter began in three weeks and bought the necessary seeds for their week ahead. The preparations made her feel nostalgic, remembering when she had moved to Pelican Town six years ago.

She had come here at 22 with little to no farming knowledge, no income and thrown herself head first into restoring the overgrown mess that was her grandfather’s treasured farm. She couldn’t help but feel a little angry with Lewis, supposedly one of her grandfather’s closest friends before he passed and yet he let this place go to absolute ruin before she stepped in to salvage it. Solar Farm was her grandfather’s pride and joy, his first child and it had been ignored so completely. The anger quickly turned into pride, that she could restore it and keep her grandfather alive alongside her and Shane.

Her musings were interrupted as she heard footfalls coming from towards her. Her head snapped towards the sound, but was immediately disappointed to see it was just Mayor Lewis. She was confused to see that he was not alone, a young man treading quietly behind him. She bent down to place a quick pat on Moji’s head before she met them at the sign to the farm.

“Hey there again, Helena. I’m really sorry but there was a bit of confusion. It turns out Graham’s ferry was arriving today. Will you still be able to take him in today?” She redirected her sight to the boy standing behind Lewis. He was tall, towering over her own tall frame by nearly a head. His shaggy brown hair was swept back, probably from his ferry ride, framing his angular face. He was dressed casually, jeans and a t-shirt with a duffel bag slung over her shoulder. When his eyes met hers, he gave her a wide grin.

Were all the things set for his arrival? Yes, but she was nowhere near emotionally ready. She was still keyed up waiting for Shane to come home and she had no idea how he would be feeling when he got here. Would he seek comfort in her arms, or would he push her away to wallow in his thoughts? She needed to be ready for Shane, but she also wanted to be there for this kid. What if he was just like her? Here with nothing to his name, hoping for a fresh start in life with no idea how to go about it. She couldn’t turn him away and really, a day was not enough to ride out her anxiety.

“Of course. Nice to meet you, I’m Helena.” She smiled warmly, extended her hand shake his. If he was surprised by her firm, calloused grip, he didn’t show it.

“Graham, but please call me Gray.” he replied. As she began to pull her hand away, his gripped lingered on her for a few seconds longer than she deemed appropriate.

“Well, I’ll let you two get on then. Let me know if you need anything,” Lewis made his leave quickly, walking back towards town. She redirected her gaze back to Gray and saw his stare was still directed at her with a strange look in his eyes.

“Okay, so how about we get you settled first? You must be exhausted after your busy morning. Thankfully, Robin was able to set up the room today so you won’t be crashing on the couch.” She led him through the front door and to what would be his bedroom. He followed her silently, setting his bag at the door of his room. “So, this will be your home until you get back on your feet. Closet’s all yours, the bathroom is down the hall and you’ll pretty much be the only one using it. We have one in the master bedroom.”

“We?” he asked, obviously confused. She was surprised Lewis hadn’t mentioned Shane.

“My husband, Shane. You’ll meet him soon, he had some work in the city.” He nodded in understanding.

“I should’ve figured. Your farm’s huge, hard to believe you’d manage all that on your own.” He smiled, and she couldn’t help addressing the slight at her.

“Well, I took care of it for years before Shane moved in. I can assure you, I am more than capable of holding my farm down.” She smiled to soften her abrupt tone, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Soon enough, so will you. That is, if you can keep up.”

“So, I’ll let you get cleaned up. There’s really not much work left to be done today, so I’ll just give you a little tour and we’ll work from there. Lunch is at 12.” She nodded at him, leaving before giving him the chance to respond. She didn’t want to miss Shane’s arrival. She glanced at the clock, 11:38. She rushed to switch on the oven, throwing the tilapia she had prepared earlier in the day. She set the table, something her and Shane never did but she didn’t want to include this stranger into their routines just yet. She didn’t want to keep him at such arm’s length, but if she had to detach from him for Shane’s sake, she had to be able to do it at the drop of a hat.

Gray came strolling into the kitchen. 11:45. His hair was dripping wet, and his outfit wasn’t much different to what he was previously wearing but she took note of the change of footwear; from canvas sneakers to leather boots. She smiled absentmindedly.

“Wow, you really do it all.” He chuckled, the aroma of lemon and parsley wafting through the air. She laughed in response.

“What can I say?” she shrugged, “Although, usually Shane takes charge of lunch but he’s in town for the morning. I wonder what’s holding him up though.” Maybe talking about it would expel her anxiety.

“Is that why you’ve been pacing since I’ve got here?” he guessed.

“That obvious?” she bit her lip, and shook her head. “We’re rarely ever apart for long. Even if we are, I know he’s a walk away so I’m a little out of tune.”

“How long have you been together?” he asked, sitting down in Shane’s usual seat at the table. She bit her tongue. She sat next to him, making sure Shane wouldn’t have to sit so close to Gray. She twisted the ring on her left ring finger. It was his idea to get her a ring alongside the mermaid pendant, a little bit of Pelican Town and a little bit of Zuzu City. It was so simple, but she wouldn’t have wanted it any other way; it was a simple thin gold band with a brilliant cut diamond set in the center, two emeralds sitting either side of it.

A glance at the clock. 11:57.

“We’ve been together three years, but married for coming on one, in the winter.” She remembered the day so vividly, she could almost feel the way the chilly air had soaked through her and nipped at her skin through the lace of her dress. The deep blue of Shane’s suit calling her like a beacon against the freshly fallen snow 

She reluctantly stood up and served up lunch. They ate in silence, Gray chiming in every once in a while, to ask a question about the farm. She pushed her food around her plate, her confidence in her ability to keep it down was slim. 12:06.

The sound of the door slamming open made her jump in her seat. She turned to see Shane, the slump of his shoulders setting alarm bells in her mind. His eyes glossed over her, and settled on Gray. His scowl deepened, and she almost detected the beginnings of a sneer on his lips. She jumped from her seat, rushing to pull him in her arms. He relaxed into her touch, nuzzling into her neck and letting out a deep breath. She whispered reassurances into his ear, her hands running frantically over him with a clinical touch searching for all his tender spots.

“Sorry, I’m late. My phone died so I couldn’t let you know.” He whispered, and she shook her head.

“It’s okay,” she lifted her head from his neck, rushing forward to kiss him. He responded in kind, breathing her in like he was drowning. She would’ve stayed tangled in him for days, the yearning for the familiarity of his touch that had been so absent for so long came crashing towards her so suddenly at the return of it. No matter how much she wanted to stay in his arms, the company at the table stood out in her mind. She pulled away, and he groaned in protest. She smiled and rested her forehead against his.

“We have company. Lewis fucked up.” He tensed, and her hands gravitated towards those areas, running her hands over him like a salve.

“Figured that old fart wouldn’t give us a break.” He chuckled, placing one last kiss on the corner of her lips before turning towards Graham his left arm still wrapped around her. “Hey, I’m Shane. “

Graham was fixated on them, mouth hanging open slightly. His eyes flitted towards each point of their contact, before snapping out of it at the sight of Shane’s outstretched hand. He stumbled getting up and shook Shane’s hand briefly. There was a strange tension in the air, as they both sized each other up. Shane was naturally very protective her, and having an audience to their brief intimate moment definitely fueled that trait.

“Thanks for having me. Sorry for the whole mix up, I should’ve probably double checked with the Mayor.” Gray rubbed the back of his neck, mouth pursed in an apologetic smile. Shane waved him off, and the causality of the gesture caused some of her tension to release.

“It’s alright.” Shane replied gruffly, letting her go as he moved to the bedroom. She cast a nervous glance at Graham, who was still staring at Shane’s retreating figure. She rushed to follow him.

She locked the door behind them, pushing Shane to sit at the edge of the bed. She helped him out of his shirt before she settled in to bed, immediately pulling him to her. He went silently, laying his head in her lap.

“Talk to me.” He shuddered out a drawn-out sigh. He screwed his eyes shut tightly before opening them, his eyes focused far beyond the ceiling.

“Nothing, everything’s like before. Dr. Burke prescribed me some medication to help me deal with the depression. The AA group is starting back up in a few weeks so I’ll go to the first one then.”

“That’s not what I’m asking,”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, directing his eyes towards the window. She sighed, loudly.

“Shane, I know you’re going through a lot right now but I just want you to talk to me. If you can.” She added.

“Well, I can’t!” he snapped, his eyes directed towards hers. “I’ve spent the entire day being psycho analyzed and I just want a break.”

She tried her best not take it to heart. The best she could be was make it known that she was still here, but she couldn’t force him to tell her just to make her feel better.

“Okay, my love.” She responded, responding to the heat in his voice with her own warmth. “I’m still gonna be here if you decide to you want to talk.”

She stayed with him, running her hands through his hair, mussing it up to something more like its usual style. She stayed until she felt his tense shoulders relax, and the furrow between his brows disappeared. She gently got out from underneath him, walking to their full-length mirror.

 _He’ll get better_ , she promised herself. She would ensure it, she would be his crutch, she would be everything she could for him. She would make sure he never became the person he had hated so viscerally because he couldn’t see himself past the beer goggles that casted his world in grey scale. He would be her Shane again, but she had to be ready for anything. She couldn’t let herself wilt at his frustration that sharpened all the edges that had softened with all their work. She would stay steadfast and sure, she was strong enough for both of them.

She tried to smooth out her expression, plastering on a smile before leaving their bedroom.


	3. somebody else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just started a new job so this was written during lunch breaks and the lull while waiting for results lol

“Sorry about that,” she said as she made her way through the kitchen, steeling herself. Graham had already cleared up the kitchen and the dining table. He was wrapping up the leftovers as he glanced up at her.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure me being here might cause a little tension,” he shrugged.

“No, no. It’s not you. It’s just been a pretty long week for us, with it being the start of the season.” She smiled, taking the leftovers and putting them away. She was obviously lying through her teeth but he nodded in understanding. She wiped her hands on her shorts, tightening her ponytail and took a deep breath.

“Ready for that tour?” He nodded enthusiastically, heading to the door quickly. He swung it open and took the stairs in one stride. She stopped at the top of the stairs.

“Slow down there, bucko. I thought I was giving the tour,” she laughed. He grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

“Sorry, I’m just excited.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s a good thing.” She reassured, patting his shoulder. She walked over to the barn, nodding for him to follow.

“This is the barn. Now, if you decide to build one, it won’t be this big. I don’t want you to look at my farm and think ‘this is where I’m should be by next year’. The farm was a runty little thing when I moved here. The entire plot was covered in weeds, boulders and stumps. It took me a solid two weeks to get a patch of soil big enough for me to actually turn a profit.” That had been one of the hardest times in her life, and she had spent most of her time thinking she had made the biggest mistake of her life. She had left behind a steady income, a roof over her head that didn’t leak and she would come home without needing to ice her hands and feet. But she was never a quitter, and she held fast. Graham was hanging off her every word and it filled her with a sense of peace, that he was so willing to learn.

“It’s time for you to meet the girls,” she pushed through the barn doors. Immediately, the barn was filled with sounds of moos, baas and the occasional oink. Her newest goat was nudging at her knees trying to cuddle up to her.

“I’ve got 6 cows, 5 goats and one pig. This little one is our newest addition. Lucy gave birth to little Satin a few weeks ago.” She turned to Graham. As she did, Satin ran up to Graham’s leg, rubbing it with her head. From the way he stumbled back, you’d think one of her pigs ran him over.

“Don’t worry,” she laughed, bending down to pick up Satin with both hands. “She’s curious, but she’s harmless.”

“So you take care of all of them?” he asked, filled with wonder.

“Pretty much. Every morning after I take care of the crops, I’ll come in here and give them a little brush down, milk them and then I let them out to graze if the weathers good. I’m not as hands on with the chickens anymore, since Shane usually prefers to do that—,” she stopped her thought before it could grow. He’d still take care of them, not as much as he used to but he wouldn’t give up doing something he loved so easily. She wouldn’t let him. She knew he’d be angry at himself if he slacked off on taking care of the chickens.

 _This wasn’t forever_ , she told herself. She continued the tour with Gray trailing behind her.

* * *

_2 months and 1 day later_

She woke up to an overcast sky, the room dark enough to confuse her. A glance at the clock reassured her that it was 6am on the dot, but it felt like the weather was set in her bones. She cast a glance at Shane beside her. He faced away from her, curled into himself so deeply it was like he would never unravel. She heaved a sigh before making her way to the bathroom, settling into her routine. She sneaked a peek at her reflection. She was disappointed but not surprised to see the dark circles under her eyes, and the messy halo of hair around her. A reflection of her sleepless nights, a new addition to her routine. She couldn’t sleep, not with her mind so occupied with Shane. He had only had three sessions since he relapsed but it felt like he had none. Sure, he was nothing like he was before, a shell that contained all the self loathing he could muster along with a six pack of beer and a few frozen pizzas. He was up before 10 most days, he went to hang out with Jas after school, he helped Marnie around the ranch when he could, he went to all his counseling sessions and at least one AA meeting a week. On paper, he was doing remarkably.

In reality, he sometimes felt like a stranger to her and it overwhelmed her with guilt to even think like that. He never rose with her anymore, even though she knew he was awake beside her. He went to sleep before or after her, never with her. He stopped working around the farm, claiming that Gray could handle all that. While there was truth in that, this time last year he always found an excuse to check on the chickens or hover around her on the farm if only to be around her. He never made her breakfast anymore. All the little things that imbedded themselves within their life were gone, and the remains smoothed over with no trace of them to be found. She missed him so much, she buckled under the strength of it. but she could never tell him, he would retreat even more. He would think himself a burden and it would take so much longer to bring him back. He was her everything, but she felt like she wasn’t his anymore and she couldn’t be angry because of that. She knew what he was like, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy and here she is faced with the hardships she would shoulder through. She would shoulder through them for him, if she could. She would wring out all the pain he had, if she could. She couldn’t, so she had to give him everything he needed so he could.

She tiptoed back into the bedroom, sitting on Shane’s side of the bed. She rested her hand on his shoulder, running her hands across his skin. The hitch in his breath let her know he was awake.

“Good morning,” she whispered. His eyes stayed shut. “Wanna help me with the chickens? I think Charlie’s chick might be hatching today.”

“Gray can take care of it,” he grunted, burrowing further into the sheets. She suppressed the sigh that bubbled up.

“I know, I’m asking if you want to.” Her hand drifted to rest on his, still clenching the sheets into fists. A grunt was her only response.

“Is it a bad day?” she asked, already expecting the answering silence. She nodded, though he couldn’t see her.

“I’ll leave your breakfast in the oven. I’m just a yell away if you need me.” She made her way to the door, pausing with her hand on the handle. She turned towards his unmoving figure.

“I love you,” she said, her voice louder. It was a long pause before she heard him whisper back, “Love you too.”

* * *

Gray stood in the kitchen, pulling the hot pan off the stove. He turned at the sound of her entrance.

“Good morning. You’re just in time, breakfast is ready.” he grinned, plating up three servings.

“Mornin’. Shane’s not feeling well so he’s staying in bed today.” Gray wasn’t even fazed, turning to grab the foil out of the drawer to wrap up Shane’s food.

“Should I run down to the Clinic to get him something?” he offered, glancing towards the door. She shook her head, gesturing towards the table for him to sit.

“No, it’s alright. We’ve got everything here, I’ll check up on him once we’ve finished the morning rounds. We should have a chick and a dozen pumpkins by the end of today.” she encouraged.

“Awesome. Do you think she’ll hatch early? I want to be there when it happens.” he said, nearly bouncing in his seat with excitement.

“We’ll go there first thing, but I have a feeling it’ll be around 8.” she replied, digging into her food although her stomach was barely settled.

“How do you know?” he asked, his curious eyes boring through her.

“I dunno. It’s just a feeling.” he shook his head, smiling. Gray had taken to her teachings with so much enthusiasm it was suffocating at times but she welcomed it. He was so eager to learn everything she could offer, where every readjustment launched a torrent of questions aimed towards her. He’d once asked her why she repositioned her hoe one inch to the left. Her resounding laughter was enough of an answer. She could tell he ached for the same change she had six years ago and she was grateful that she was here to walk him through it. She loathed to think of him trying desperately to force the smallest patch of potatoes to grow with some semblance of value, ripping out his hair when he made no revenue in the first season, regretting every choice that led to that. No, he would never know what that felt like and she couldn’t be happier. with that aspect of her life, she couldn’t help but think. She shook it away and gestured towards their breakfast.

“Eat up, hun.”

* * *

“It’s cracking!” Gray yelled from across the coop. She plopped the last egg into the basket, and made her way to him. He sat on his knees, his face a foot away from the incubator She glanced at her watch.

“8’o clock on the dot,” she said as she settled next to him. He looked at her with such childlike wonder in his eyes, she felt like she was drowning in them.

“I swear, you’re magic. No way I could ever do that,” she wanted his eyes off her.

“You will. Have a little faith,” she almost sighed in relief as the sound of another soft crack sounded through the coop. He snapped his eyes back to it, already reaching a hand towards the hatching chick. As it’s little beak poked through the cracked shell, Gray cooed softly. A peep sounded in response as it’s barely feathered head made its way out, slowly shaking itself out of its broken shell. It took its first shaky steps and Gray was bewitched.

“So, what do you wanna name her?” she whispered. Her eyes were so focused on the chick, she didn’t notice Gray’s eyes snap towards her.

“Me?” he asked, matching her volume. She looked at him, and his watery green eyes looked straight through her. She softened the smile on her face.

“Of course. This little thing is going straight with you once we finally get rid of you.” she bumped her shoulder against his. A moment of silent passed between them, admiring the newborn chick trotting around her little square. She was startled as she felt his arm snake around her waist, his head fitting itself in the curve of her neck. He melted to fit the lines of her. She responded in kind, resting her hand on his hair.

“Thank you,” he whispered, the words vibrating against her clavicle.

“You’re always welcome,” she replied, mussing his hair. She let the moment hang for a few more seconds before she continued, “Come on, I need a name.”

He lifted his head, still leaning towards her. His eyes were trained on the little chick taking its first steps He reached his hand towards it, before he pulled back.

“I think I’ll name her El,” he whispered. She hummed in response.

“A little tame for my taste, but it’ll do.” she smiles at him as he beamed at her. The sound of the coop door slamming open startled both of them. Shane stood in the doorway, shoulders slumped but eyes fixed on her.

“Shane! You just missed her hatching, come see her.” she reached her hand towards him, missing the way Graham’s smile tightened in response. Shane took a few steps forward, before hesitating.

“I just came to tell you I’m heading into the city. Last minute meeting.” he shrugged, his eyes wandering. She offset the immediate drop in her smile by jumping up to meet him. She rushed towards him, reaching for his hand.

“That’s okay, do you want me to come with you? I can drive you if you’d rather that than the bus, keep you company.” she suggested, trying to meet his downturned eyes. He shook his head.

“Nah, I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, okay. Don’t forget to text me when you get into town. Let me know what happens, okay?” he nodded before turning away, her hold on his hand stopping him. She gave him a tentative kiss on the cheek, whispering, “Take care.”

He nodded in response, dropping her hand and walking out. She stood there long after his retreating figure left her line of sight, but she dreaded turning around and putting on her brave face for Gray. She rubbed her hands over her face before she pulled her hair out of her ponytail, shaking it out around her. She didn’t know what she hoped it would do, but maybe it would hide the frown on her lips.

Before she could turn to face Gray, she was suddenly faced with his back as he walked out of the coop.

“How about we tackle those pumpkins you promised me?” he turned his head towards her, nodding towards the door.

“I don’t know about you, but i’m down to carve the runt of the litter.” She mustered a laugh, before she followed him. The cool fall air drying the tears collecting at the corner of her eyes.

“Bold of you to assume all my pumpkins are anything less than perfect.”


	4. worst of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The farm is asleep, but Shane is no where to be found. Helena can't help but wonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not what I planned for this chapter but something is better than nothing. Also I start sentences with but, or, and and and no one can stop me. (I'm aware I just used and 3 times in a row and it was still grammatically accurate. the power of me)

9:36. Where was he? He was supposed to be back hours ago. She couldn’t help the thrumming of her heart as she paced the floor at the foot of their bed. Her heart had always beat for him, but now it was beating for all the wrong reasons. She didn’t want to call him only to hear the dial tone again. She pulled her robe tighter as she glanced at the clock. 9:41. _He’s in trouble,_ she pushed the thought away. _He’s drinking again,_ she pushed that one even further down.

No, no. He wouldn’t do this again. He was getting help. He must’ve got caught up with one of the guys at AA. _Shane, making conversation?_ She shook her head, gripping her hair into fists. He’d be back any second now. She was _supposed_ to have him again, she thought he was done with late nights without her. Late nights filled with alcohol and she prayed to Yoba, prayed to anything, that he wasn’t drowning in something else. _He used to drown in you._ Her thoughts were vicious, finding all the cracks in the hope she had. _What will you do now, huh?_

She could take the truck from Marnie, but there was no way that behemoth wouldn’t wake her up and she couldn’t explain to Marnie why she needed to get Shane in the middle of the night. She didn’t think Shane could forgive her if Marnie found out he relapsed; Jas would be that much farther away from them. She could ride on Zephyr’s back, hopefully the roads would be empty. She shook her head; no way she could get him to wake up at this hour, even if her idea wasn’t batshit insane. Even if she did find him, she didn't think Zephyr could take both of them on his back right now.

Her spiral was interrupted by a knock on her door. She turned only to be disappointed by the sight of Gray in her door frame. He offered her a small smile.

“I was just about to turn in when I noticed your lights still on, you’re usually dead asleep by 9.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking at the floor.

“Um… yeah, I’m just a little keyed up. You know, harvest is soon and I’ve gotta have a game plan for winter.” She winced at the weakness of her tone, “I was actually just gonna take a quick walk around the farm, maybe have some tea.”

“Do you mind if I join you?” he asked. _No, because I'm going to go check if my husband is passed out three feet from the door._ Yet, she couldn’t bear to crush the hopeful look in his eyes.

“Sure, just give me a sec.” She said, switching from her robe to a thick sweater over her camisole. When she met Gray’s eyes, he had a noticeable blush across his cheeks and he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“N-No worries, I’ll go brew the tea.” He dashed quickly out the door. Her eyebrows furrowed. She didn’t know what to make of his bashful reaction. He didn’t strike her as someone particularly shy, quite the opposite in fact. Could he tell that she was worried about Shane? Could he tell that she feared for all the things her husband might be doing? Might have gotten himself into?

She slipped on her old canvas sneakers and met Gray in the kitchen, where he was steeping the bags of tea before removing them. He turned to her, cheeks still slightly red. He handed her her mug before nodding towards the door. She took a sip of her tea, milky and sweet just how she liked it. She allowed herself a small smile.

She let out a held breath as Gray opened the door, relieved to see that Shane was not unconscious on their doorstep. Her and Gray fell into step, slowly making their way around the farm. After a while, he broke the silence.

“I never noticed how huge the farm is. So much of it is still empty.” Gray said wistfully, eyes far away.

“Yeah, it was overwhelming at first. All this space, and I didn’t know the first thing to do with it.” She shook her head. “When I got all my girls, it felt less so but that just meant more work for me.”

The silence hung between them for a moment before he spoke, “Is that how you and Shane met?” She froze at the mention of his name.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, did he start by helping you out around here. I know he’s Marnie’s nephew so he probably knows a lot about livestock.” He shrugged. She fixed her gaze on the pond at the far edge of her farm as they spoke, falling back into step.

“No, not at all.” She giggled, turning her gaze to her tea. “He—he wasn’t the friendliest when I moved here.”

She couldn’t help but smile as she remembered their first encounter.

“I think the first thing he said to me was, ‘what do you want? I don’t know you.’”

“And you married him. I might need to be a little less nice to you to get in your good side.” He chuckled, and she tried her best not to overthink his words.

“It took a while for me to warm up to him, and him too. After that, we just…fell.”

She didn’t dream of mentioning the cliff but she remembered the first time right after. When they were both at Stardrop; him resisting temptation and her falling into hers. She remembered how her heart swelled when he ordered a seltzer while he got her a beer. The way he thanked her, the way he looked at her. It was like he was seeing her for the first time, not just another face in the crowd of people he wanted to avoid. _Shane_ , of all people, wanted to sit with her; listen to her instead of her talking at him and hoping it stuck, he _wanted_ to talk to her. That was the first time he had actually touched her of his own volition, not her dragging him to the clinic, or shoving her shoulder as he passed by her. He laid his hand over hers and her swollen heart burst through her as her skin burned underneath his. His green eyes had bore through hers and she realized she had fallen so hopelessly for him.

“I get the feeling you never choose the easy way,” Gray mused. Did she? Did she actively seek out the path of most suffering? She shook the though away

“I dunno. I guess, I spent a long time in the city living the easy way, and I was miserable. I don’t think I would’ve ever quit if my dead grandpa hadn’t told me to get it together. Even when I got here, it took a long time for me to realize I would be happy here.”

“It’s a story for your grandkids, at least.” He joked. She laughed forcefully. _Grandkids_. She always thought she would be a mother, eventually a grandmother but that seemed like a far off dream. She thought of Jas, how they were supposed to take her in come winter time. Or at least, that’s what her and Shane had planned on but god knows if he would be ready then. Maybe Jas would be okay with Shane like this. After all, she had spent most of her time with him when he was still drunk every night, but she deserved more. Helena wanted to give Jas everything she wanted, everything she deserved. She had lost so much already, she didn’t need to see her godfather like this. Or even, Yoba forbid, think it was her fault.

“What about you, huh? Young, strapping city boy moves to the country side. Seems like the making of a Hallmark movie.” She nudged him. He chuckled.

“Exactly what I planned. I’m just looking for a hard working farmer to fall in love with me.” He winked playfully. “Nah, I just couldn’t imagine myself living in the city. Waking up every morning to do something I hated, just so I could make money to keep living a life that did nothing for me. I always entertained the idea of living on a farm, but it’s something that stayed in my internet history.”

They eventually reached the pond, starting at the scarce fish swimming beneath the surface.

“One day, I heard the bus to Pelican Town was running and I had no idea where that was. One more search and a call to the Mayor later, and I was packing up my bags and off into the world. And honestly? If it weren’t for you, I would’ve probably gave up on my first week. I can’t imagine doing what you did, moving somewhere new and making a new life with no help. No one to guide you through all this.”

“Oh, you flatter me.” She waved him off. He shook his head, his eyes meeting her. Although Gray and Shane both had green eyes, they couldn’t be more different. Shane eyes were a deep forest green, reflecting the leaves of the trees and the grass in spring. Gray’s were almost translucent in comparison, the shade of the mountain lake in fall, soft in comparison to his sharp features. Whenever he looked at her, he made her feel paper thin, like he was seeing beyond her face and her body.

“No, I don’t. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re… amazing.” The way he looked at her made her feel like he was settling for that descriptor, like he wanted to say so much more but couldn’t find the words.

Silence settled between them. She sat down at the edge of the pond, taking off her shoes to let her feet hang in the freezing water. Gray hesitated before sitting down beside her.

“I guess,” he continued, “looking at what your life is like now, I could never imagine you being in my position a few years ago. Granted, I didn’t have as much to let go of in the city, no job or family to leave behind. You had more to let go of, but you still did it and built all of this. Not only that, but you do it with so much passion. Fuck, anyone can tell all your animals worship you, everyone in this town sings your praises. No matter what, rain or shine or a fucking thunderstorm,” he chuckled lightly, probably recalling a few days ago when she had buckled on her rain boots and braved the biggest storm that had hit the valley in years to make sure the heaters in the barn were on and the feeders were stocked, “you get up every morning with a smile on your face and make all this look the easiest job in the world.”

She felt the sharp prickle of tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. She laid her hand over Gray’s, not trusting her voice. He flipped his hand underneath hers and gripped it tightly, his cold, soft hand a sharp contrast to her burning, calloused palms.

“If I hadn’t gotten to learn from you, I would’ve given up on this pipe dream way to soon. But seeing the passion you carry into every day, I’m sure I couldn’t have made a better choice.”

It was almost too much, months of looking for a semblance of reassurance that she was doing something right for once and it finally coming for someone she didn’t need to hear it from. Her heart clenched at the thought of Shane saying those words to her, let her know that choosing her was something good. She would’ve never doubted it before, but Yoba she missed him. He felt like more of a stranger in their home than Gray did and she couldn’t help the guilt that seeped through her at that thought.

“Right now, I’m starting to doubt that because what kind of crazy lady would put her feet into a freezing pond for fun?!” he said, splashing the cold water next to her calves. She threw her head back as she let out a full bellied laugh.

“Oh, the craziest.” She said, pulling her legs out of the water. She relished the cool air brushing against her freezing calves. Gray stood up, extending his hand towards her. She grabbed onto it as he hauled her up, immediately dropping it as she stood. She didn’t miss the downcast look on Gray’s face.

They walked back to the farmhouse slowly, her shoes and empty mug clutched in her hand.

* * *

She closed her bedroom door slowly behind her. She clutched her chest as she turned to see Shane laying in their bed, already dead asleep. How hadn’t she heard him? She quickly checked her phone to see a text from him fifteen minutes ago. 11:34.

_phone died. just go home._

She approached him slowly, sitting on the edge of his side of the bed. She ran her fingers through his hair gently. She hesitated before leaning down, sniffing his collar. All she could smell was stale coffee and toothpaste.

Of course. He was fine, he was still recovering and she didn’t make it any better by constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. How would he feel if he knew what she had been thinking, that he would give in so quickly? Shame swam through her, her tea threatening to come back up. He was doing everything he could to get better and she sat, counting every minute he was late as a betrayal. He wasn’t just recovering for him, but for her as well and all she had done was doubt him. She knew how hard this would be on him and she still sat here thinking the worst of him and calling it caring for him. She had to do better. He _deserved_ better. He deserved everything she could give him and she was letting him down. She had to try harder.

Maybe she was too distracted with Gray. He hadn’t taken up much of her time, but he had taken out of Shane’s. If Shane had been feeling better, Gray wouldn’t have been an issue. But he’s a stranger in their home, something Shane would be uncomfortable with at the best of times, made worse with his mind state. Shane was more important than Gray, a thousand times over. She was letting him down.

She leaned down and placed a kiss on Shane’s jaw before retreating to the bathroom. She quietly locked the door behind her. She took one quick look at her reflection before a sob tore through her, which she muffled in the sleeve of her sweater. She let the sobs wrack through her as quietly as she could, swearing she would do right by her husband.


	5. loving & losing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena tries to take it alone. She can't anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the reason this has taken so long is because I hate my writing style. It's too driven by dialogue and I'm trying to change that. Also, I have my first assessment presentation so pray for me. I wrote this instead of working lol.

Helena awoke to an empty bed. Her eyebrows furrowed as she shot upright in their bed, her hands searching for Shane’s warmth. The bed sheets were cold where they should’ve been under him. She leaned over, looking for him on the floor on his side of the bed. She knew he’d had a habit of falling out of bed when he was drunk. She immediately berated herself for the thought when she found the floor vacant. _She was supposed to do better_ , she couldn’t keep doubting him every step of the way. It didn’t stop her from rushing to the kitchen, without a spare thought to her appearance or her morning breath, The sight she was met with made her breath catch in her throat.

There was Shane, dressed in his farm work pants, standing in front of the stove, stirring a spoon into a pot. She couldn’t stop herself from rushing forward to wrap her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder. He was only slightly startled by her presence.

“Hello there.” He chuckled. She nuzzled further into his throat.

“I missed you.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to the base of his throat.

“I’ve only been out of bed for ten minutes, babe.” He laughed, laying his head against hers.

“I missed you last night,” she allowed a suggestive lilt to bleed into her voice, rather than the worried one that threatened to break through. She dragged one hand to his jaw as the other trailed to his hip. She went to kiss him, before he turned his head, her lips landing on his jawline.

“I’ve taken care of my morning breath. Take care of yours, babe.” His words sent a jolt of hurt through her. He had never cared about morning breath, recalling the mornings he kept her in bed until ten am.

“O—Okay. Be right back.” She said quickly, rushing to the bathroom. She ignored the bags under her eyes and the dryness on her cheeks as she hastily brushed her teeth. She rushed back to Shane, where he was sitting on the dining table, breakfast set for the both of them. She ignored it as she strode to sit on his lap sideways. She held his face in her hands, desperate to feel close to him, desire clawing through her. She hardly notice how he wouldn’t meet her eyes. She surged forward to kiss him, him grunting in surprise as their lips met. She melded her lips against his, a small moan escaping her as she finally kissed her husband in what felt like months. Yoba, she missed him. She had been so focused on how she had missed him mentally, that she had forgotten all about the physicality of it. Even his hand on her shoulder lit a fire through her, her panties already ruined with the thought of him.

She moved to straddle his thigh before she registered that the hand on her shoulder was pushing her away. She pulled away, her hand now resting on his chest. A surge of arousal went through her as she took in his mussed hair and kiss swollen lips. She was so caught up in her own desire that it took her a few moments to notice that Shane was still soft against her thigh, where she had been insistently grinding against him.

“Graham’s here.” He whispered. She laughed before she surged forward, whispering against his lips,

“He won’t be awake for another hour,” she whispered back, pulling him against her. She moved to kiss him again, but his hand on her shoulder stopped her.

“Hel, not now.” He said simply. Rejection burned through her, morphing into shame as she stepped away from him. Of course he wouldn’t want her like this, snuck in quickly before breakfast with Gray in the next room. She needed to do better. Her mind immediately went to the honeymoon sets Emily had made for her as a wedding gift. She had made her five sets of ‘sexy’ sleepwear that had made her blush all the way to her neck, and Helena had only worn one so far; on the night of their wedding. She had never thought to wear any of the other ones, but maybe she should tonight. A gift for Shane, but even the thought made her scoff in her mind. He had seen her naked, how could her in a set of lingerie persuade him?

She stood up, brushing quickly through her hair and smoothing down her clothes. Shane gave her a wry smile. It somehow made her feel dirty; she had thrown herself at him and he had so much more he was dealing with. He deserved better.

She settled into her seat, immediately digging into her breakfast. What could she say to make this better? She had never felt this way around Shane before, and she was scrambling to deal with the misplaced feeling. Shane saved her from her dwelling.

“I passed by the coop this morning. They’re doing really well. The new chick is taking to the others really well.” The shock of him checking on the chickens misplaced any other emotions.

“Yeah? I’m glad El’s taking well to it.” She said, digging into her food so she didn’t have to say anything else.

“El?” Shane questioned, brows furrowed. “Doesn’t seem like your usual names.”

“Yeah, I let Gray name her. I told him he could take her when he has his own farm.” Shane’s expression gave away nothing, and the familiar anxiety settled in her veins. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“Um—no, sure.” He nodded, almost as if he was trying to convince himself.

They settled in silence as they ate their breakfast. She stretched her hand towards his, gripping it tightly. She pulled their joint hands to rest atop her thigh, wanting him closer. He gave her another half-smile, squeezed her hand and patted her knee. His hand moved to rest on the table.

Had she done something wrong? In retrospect, the morning hadn’t been one of her best moments. They’d shared a grand total of three reluctant kisses since Graham had moved in, all initiated by her. She could at least find some comfort that maybe it was just the company, that he wasn’t comfortable being intimate with someone in the house. _Didn’t stop him when Robin was installing the cellar._ No, Robin wasn’t a stranger. Sure, she was close to the carpenter but Shane had barely had two whole conversations with her.

“How about we have dinner together? Just you and me.” she offered, brushing his hair back. Shane looked at her, confused.

“Graham busy tonight?” he asked, going back to his breakfast.

“I’m not sure, but I figured we could use sometime together. Just us.” He still looked hesitant. “Gray’s been meaning to go out in to town, figured it was a good opportunity to spend some time together.”

“Sure, but I promised Marnie I’d help her with a new shipment coming in so maybe after that?”

“Perfect,” a grin broke out across her cheeks. “So seven?”

* * *

“You look great, hun.” Haley reassured her. Helena stood shyly in front of the floor length mirror of her bedroom. She bit her lip nervously as she assessed herself. It was nothing like her usual pyjamas, that was for sure. The hem of the forest green silk barely reached her thigh, draping softly against her brown skin. The straps seemed so thin, she figured she was one wrong move away from giving Haley a show. She had to give it to Emily though; it was gorgeous. The colour brought out the honeyed tones in her skin, contrasting the darkness of her hair in a way that reminded her of Shane’s eyes. Intricate lace covered her breasts, sheer enough that nothing was left to the imagination. Silk hugged her waist, showcasing her hourglass figure. She tried to focus on all the good things she could see rather than how big her thighs looked, or the collection of scars that marred her legs, or the broadness in her shoulder, or—.

No, she looked good. She looked beautiful. Haley had agreed to a compromise in terms of Helena’s hair and makeup. She had refused to let the straightener anywhere near her, and had only agreed to mascara and lip stick. She wasn’t usually opposed to all of it, but she wanted to feel like herself. Working on a farm wasn’t really conducive to spending time on her hair and makeup, unless she wanted to end up smudged and frizzy. In all honesty, she missed having her natural hair down. Such a small, stupid thing but it was constantly tucked away in braids so she could work properly. She felt like herself, she wanted to feel like herself. _Just in case he says no again_. She squeezed her eyes shut.

“Babe, if I see a single smudge, I’m out of here.” Haley tutted, patting her on the cheek.

“Sorry, sorry. I don’t know why I’m feeling nervous.” She chuckled. Haley rolled her eyes.

“If you find out, let me know. Have you guys been keeping a vow of celibacy this whole time? Because I’m not sure why Shane hasn’t thrown you down and fucked you til the cows come home.”

“Haley!” she blushed. Haley shrugged.

“What? You’re a knockout, and Shane defo wasn’t getting any before you.” She said, plopping down on their bed. “What I don’t understand is why it has taken you so long to bust out this number.”

“Ugh,” she fiddled with her fingers before tugging on one of her curls. “Gray’s been here for months now, and you know how Shane is with new people.”

“Yup, firmly in team against.” Haley nodded. “Since you’re unleashing the little one into society, I might take a run at him. You truly are a beacon of self-control for not jumping him.”

“Or just happily married,” she said pointedly. Haley waved her off. “Anyway, what will Alex have to say about that?”

“Fuck that guy, he’s been running after Penny’s skirt knowing she’s firmly planted in Maru’s. I’m so done with him.”

“I could’ve told you that from the beginning,”

“Hey, I’m doing you a favour. I don’t need the snark when you’re definitely getting some by the end of tonight while I’m drying out down here. I even tried to take a crack at the good doctor.” Helena gasped, rushing to the bed, grasping Haley’s hand.

“You did not!” she bit her lip in excitement.

“Oh, you bet your sweet ass I did. I think he almost had a stroke when he was faced with cleavage outside a medical exam. Maybe next time, I’ll ask him if I should bend over and cough to make him feel better.” Helena giggled. That was a sight to see; while Harvey was a huge bulking thing of a man, he was as meek as a mouse. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him without a blush colouring his cheeks. 

She had missed this. She had been so consumed with Gray and Shane that she forgot what it was like to have a conversation where she wasn’t worried about either man.

“So, what’s the game plan for tonight? You gonna lay on the table, spread your legs and tell him to go straight to dessert?” Haley wagged her eyebrows. Helena sighed in exasperation, a blush staining her cheeks.

“Definitely not that. I did promise him dinner though, and I now I feel bad that I didn’t make him any.” Haley let out an exasperated sigh.

“Yoba help you. If he’s thinking about dinner when he sees you, you’ve got bigger problems.” Haley stood up. She looked Helena up and down.

“Careful there, I’m a married woman.” She playfully slipped a strap down her shoulder.

“Shut up. So what you’re gonna do is lay against the pillows,” she instructed. Helena complied. “Extend one leg, and bend the other so he can the matching panties I forced on you. You’re gonna have all that hair splayed out around you, with one hand on your thigh.” Haley took it upon herself to situate Helena into position, moving her like a doll. “Oh, we should paint your toes!”

“Uh uh, no thanks. It’s a slippery slope from nail polish to a Brazilian.”

“Ugh, it only hurts for like a second and then when you feel that silk all up against your freshly waxed skin, you’ll be thanking me.”

* * *

7:24. He was late. Helena sat up from the position Haley had set her in, laying her head in her knee. She tried her best to distract herself by reading the first book she grabbed off the shelf. It was like a farming for dummies, but anything would do. She just told herself to mouth the words and hopefully that would make the minutes tick faster.

The front door creaking open jarred her into position, hastily setting the book on her nightstand. She decided she felt stupid laying down and instead left her head on her knee.

“Helena?” he shouted.

“In the be—bedroom.” She stuttered. She could feel the sweat sticking her hair to her neck and she immediately regretted not having another shower.

“Are we ordering dinner instead? I figured—,” he finally made his way through the bedroom and set his eyes on her. He froze in the doorway. The longer he stood there, the more her heart rate increased. She stole herself before the anxiety could take over and stepped off the bed. She made her way to him slowly, his eyes tracking her movement. She ran her fingers through his wet hair, gripping what she found at the nape of his neck. She gripped his hip with her opposite hand, pulling him to her. His arms stayed firmly at his sides.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered, echoing her words from that morning. She placed a kiss on his stubbled jaw, trailing down his throat. She felt his hands come up, one on her waist and the other against her stomach. She moaned in appreciation, trailing her lips to his. She was so caught up in her moment of victory, that she barely registered that his hands were pushing her away. She stumbled back, her blood going cold.

“Sorry babe, I just…” he refused to meet her eyes. “I need to shower off the day, you know?”

She nodded mutely, vaguely registering that his hair was already wet. It wasn’t raining. He pinched them hem of her nightie, before letting go hesitantly. He walked to the bathroom without a backward glance. She didn’t even notice her legs carrying her towards the bed, her knees hitting the edge.

She didn’t feel beautiful anymore.

Shane came out of the bathroom not five minutes later. She had resumed her originally position, with the ridiculous book opened in her lap and her glasses resting on her nose. He settled on his side of the bed, laying one hand on her knee. She didn’t even close her book, already seeing where the night would end.

“You look gorgeous, babe. I’m just… really tired, after all that work.” She nodded.

“It’s alright. If you’re going to sleep, I think I’ll just head into town, stop by the Stardrop.”

“Yeah, that’ll be good for you. You’ve been working yourself ragged.”

She ignored how the wooden conversation broke her heart. She felt ridiculous; how could she even think that something as stupid as this would make him want her, after she had failed him. Of course he didn’t to touch her, could barely look at her. How could this even begin to make up for everything she had done?

She stood slowly, taking her nightgown off as she stood. She was sure the sight of her naked body would not illicit a reaction from him. She pulled on her jeans and the first sweater her hands touched. When the hem reached her thighs, she realized it was Shane’s. It was another wedding present from Emily, a wardrobe upgrade for Shane past his ratty Joja hoodie. He’d worn it ragged for one season before she took it, loving the way it hung off her frame. She wasn’t slim by any means, but Shane had always towered over her and he had been a bit more built then. He had stopped drinking, and the farm work was aptly reflected on his body. She didn’t care, she never looked twice at the change in appearance but she remembered how happy he had been. She remembered him waking up before her, breakfast on the table with the plants already harvested an watered. Just so he could spend that extra hour with her. 

She made her way to bed, sitting right beside him. His eyes were closed, but she knew he was awake. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, whispering a quiet “goodnight”.

She didn’t wait for a response before she left. She made her way to the stable, Zephyr neighing loudly at her arrival. He nuzzled against her neck as soon as she stood by him.

“Hey there, my boy.” She smiled, he neighed again. “How about we stretch those legs, yeah?”

She didn’t bother with the saddle, hoisting herself up to ride sideways. He trotted slowly into town, no directions necessary. For once, her shame rendered her thoughts silent. She didn’t realize Zephyr had stopped at her destination until she heard Sam’s booming voice.

“Hel raiser! Where have you been?” Sam yelled, rushing to her with Sebastian and Abigail following behind. She slid off Zephyr’s back, patting down his mane. She barely got her bearings before she was lifted off her feet by Sam. She shrieked in response.

“Sam, put the poor girl down.” Abigail said, exasperated. Sebastian’s lips curled in a rare smile around his cigarette. Sam obliged and ruffled your hair.

“If I’d known I would get this kind of reception, I would’ve come by sooner.” The smell of nicotine and tobacco drew her in. She was a second away from asking Sebastian for a cigarette before she stopped herself. She had quit before she left the city. She’d smoked to manage her anxiety before she realized that it had the opposite effect on her. It didn’t stop her skin from itching for one.

“Yoba knows what you’ve been doing to keep Shane out of the Saloon,” Sam waggled his eyebrows. She shoved his shoulder as Abigail and Sebastian burst out laughing.

“What can I say, I keep my man satisfied.” She said, ignoring the sting her lie left her with.

“C’mon. First round on me,” he dragged her into the Saloon. She immediately saw Haley sitting talking with Gray and Emily across the bar. Haley almost did a double take at the sight of her. She didn’t miss the pointed look she gave towards the clock. 8:06. “What’s your poison?”

“Tequila,” she said, thoughtlessly. She hadn’t had hard liquor since she lived in the city, she hadn’t even gotten drunk since her wedding night. Shane had kept ploughing her with champagne, insisting she should drink for the both of them while he sipped his sparkling cider. She didn’t think of the white lace he tore off her that night.

“Hell, yeah! Starting the night off right! Let’s get two shots of tequila for Helena,” he signalled to Gus. He happily obliged, sliding the shots in front of her. She relished the burn in her throat, not bothering with the lime Sam offered her. “Woah girl, the city in you is out to play.” She forced a smile.

“What can I say? She’s feeling it tonight.” She shrugged. Sam gave her his signature Cheshire cat grin.

“How about you a game of pool?”

“Yeah, so she can see me whoop your ass for the millionth time.” whispered Sebastian. She went to follow them before she saw Haley stand up from her perch, heading towards her.

“Looking forward to it, I just need to have a quick chat with Haley.” Sam’s eyes widened.

“Okay, yeah. I want nothing to do with all that crazy so I’m out,” he raised his hands as he walked out quickly. Apparently, not fast enough as Haley yelled.

“Count your seconds before this crazy comes after you, asswipe!”

“Language!” Mayor Lewis yelled and it seemed everyone under the age of thirty rolled their eyes in response.

“Hey, hun,” Haley whispered, her voice turning soft. She placed her hand on Helena’s shoulder, freezing against her overheated skin. “Wh—where’s Shane?”

She recognized that tone in her voice, the same one she used when Shane came back from a meeting. Like she was fragile, as if she would fall apart. She was too proud to admit that she was right.

“Asleep. He was tired when he got back home. He took another fucking shower and went to sleep.” She flagged down Gus for another shot. He poured her out two without another word. She knocked them back.

“Helen—”

“It’s fine, right? He was just tired. It’s not a big deal.” She sounded hysterical, even to her own ears. “It’s not me.”

“C’mon, babe. Let’s go to mine.” Haley prodded gently, her hand pressing gently against the small of her back. She followed wordlessly, no fight left within her. Haley gently tutted at Zephyr, following them at the sight of his owner. As soon as Haley opened the door to her house, Helena broke. Deep, shameful sobs wracked through her, shaking her to her very core. _She failed_ , _he didn’t want her anymore._ Haley just wrapped her in her arms, coaxing her to the coach. “Shh, babe. It’s alright.”

“I just feel—,” a choked sob cut her off. A fresh wave of tears escaped her, smudging the mascara she had on. “I ruined my make up.”

“Babe, I don’t give a shit about that. I just want to know that you’re okay.” Haley rubbed her back gently. “I don’t know why this is hurting you so much. Shane loves you, if anything he’s only ever loved you. With you, he’s different. With you, he’s happy.”

Haley was trying her best, she knew that. But all her words did was cause a fresh wave of tears to flow. _Is he?_ _Did she make him happy anymore?_ Everything pointed to no, but he wasn’t happy when he was drinking. _Even before, you could make him happy. He was drunk off his mind but he still cared about you. How about now?_ Not enough, _not enough. Not enough._

“How do you know?” she whispered, her voice cracking under the weight of her tears.

“Because he fucking talks to you, idiot! He looks at you like you hung the stars, like you filled the oceans.” Haley’s eyes had a strange sort of desperation in them. “Shane before you is nowhere near Shane now. You’re it for him. Helena,” Haley sighed and Helena got a rare front row seat. Haley’s eyes filled with tears as she continued, “I don’t know what you’re thinking or what’s going on, but I can’t see you like this. You’re the strongest motherfucker I know and seeing you like this, it hurts. Because I can’t think of anything that would hurt you like this.”

Haley pulled Helena to her chest, letting her freely sob into her shirt. Helena searched for purchase, gripping the fabric of the coach, Haley’s shirt, her own hair. Anything to keep her grounded. Nothing was enough. She needed Shane. She needed him to hold her, to whisper everything she needed to hear, to lull her back to sleep in his arms. She couldn’t have it.

Helena took her last gasping breath. She sat up across Haley, wiping at the tears staining her cheeks. She could only offer one reassurance to Haley before they were interrupted.

“I’m not enough anymore.” Gray chose the perfect moment to knock on the door, looking to go back home with Helena. She did her best to wipe her tears, hugging Haley tightly. She placed a gentle kiss on her neck before whispering, “I’m gonna be fine.”

Her and Gray walked back to Solar farm, silently. She couldn’t be more grateful.


End file.
